Cave Johnson Artificial Intelligence
by LuigiKing
Summary: What if GLaDOS was completed fast enough? What if Cave Johnson was loaded into GLaDOS instead of Caroline? What if the GLaDOS mainframe wasn't maniacal? Alternate Reality, and Computer Cave Johnson
1. Development of a Giant

**I thought the story jumped too quickly, so I changed this chapter a little, and deleted the transfer. That will be in the next chapter.**

CHAPTER ONE-Development of a Giant

He was dying. Everyone knew it. No matter how much he tried to keep a positive attitude, his employees always had a glum face when they saw him. His coughs echoed down the empty hallways. Since the loss of the Olympians and astronauts, Cave Johnson lost the trust of many people. As his cane hit the hard metal floor, he remembered a better time. He remembered a time, which when life gave you lemons, you made lemonade. But no amount of sugar would change his situation. His only hope was that if the GLaDOS project could be finished in time.

"Caroline, more pain pills please," he managed to say in between wheezing. Caroline replied with her standard, Yes sir mister Johnson. It hurt his heart that Caroline would never live forever like he would. Caroline was too modest. She always said she could never run the facility, even when she did it as her job. If only another GLaDOS could be built in time for Caroline. As he thought of the possibilities, Caroline came back with three pills, manufactured by Black Mesa. Cave didn't even care anymore about the Black Mesa-Aperture Laboratories rivalry. In fact, Black Mesa's pills were his only hope for staying alive until the body was completed. Cave Johnson stepped into his chair while Caroline held his chair.

"Mister Johnson, would you like to see the GLaDOS Chamber? Maybe it would cheer you up to see the progress our scientists are making on the project."

"Nah, all it would do would break my heart. There is no such thing as making progress until it is complete. I could die any second, so we can't waste any time on the body!" Cave coughed again and ate another pill. He drank a glass of water and hammered his fist on the table.

"Caroline, turn on the television right now! I remembered something I heard a lab boy say in the halls." Caroline obeyed and switched on the television. It was a commercial for Aperture's products, shower curtains. Cave was furious at Caroline.

"No, not the twenty-four seven Aperture channel! In retrospect, that was a waste of money. One million dollars gone up in smoke! But again, the news!" Caroline hurried to change the channel. Cave watched as the leader of Black Mesa showed off a giant machine. He hung on to his seats as the veil was lifted. It was a giant cylinder, covered with wires, pipes and electrical circuits. It was a Large Hadron Collider, and Black Mesa was planning to use it for creating a black hole.

"Waste of money that was. It only takes a miniature black hole to rip time and space. But this is what's wrong with us. If the government knew about the Quantum Tunnelling Device, I'm sure they'll give us money!" Cave reached for the telephone and Caroline snapped his hand.

"No sir! Remember, if the government knows, Black Mesa knows. That was what one of your posters said remember?" Caroline looked worried. "Sir? Are you alright?"

"I'm sorry Caroline. My state of mind has caused me to think money is more important than science. Ugh." Cave Johnson stood up and walked over to the wall with an uneven gait. Caroline's wasn't any better. Running back and forth bringing pills and coffee had stressed out Caroline. Cave pressed a sequence of buttons and the wall opened up into a room. Cave walked over to his bed and pressed a button. A small bedside window opened, and his coffee popped out, steaming hot. Cave was proud of Caroline's newest invention. The Fifteen Hundred Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super Thermos was what he called it. Every time he called it that, Caroline would laugh and tell him, Just call it a thermos, mister Johnson. Cave Johnson looked over at Caroline, reading her favourite book, The Grapes of Wrath. Cave put the coffee in the Fifteen Hundred Megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super Thermos again and went to sleep.


	2. Transforming into a Computer

CHAPTER TWO-Transforming into a Computer

It happened a few days after the coding was completed, Cave Johnson was sitting in his lush velvet chair. Caroline had just delivered his favourite coffee and started stirring in the sugar. Cave opened up his newspaper and read a page of it. He grunted and Caroline came to his side.

"What is it mister Johnson?" she asked, tapping the spoon on the cup of coffee.

"Nothing Caroline. It's just Black Mesa's new invention, the so called Large Hadron Collider. Too expensive for us. We're so close to being bankrupt. Black Mesa can kiss my bankrupt-"

"Sir, not again. You know very well Black Mesa is now a respected partner of Aperture. You said so yourself!" Cave Johnson took a sip of coffee and read on. Soon after, Cave started screaming. Caroline rushed to his side and fed him a pain pill.

"No good! Caroline, bring me to the chamber! I think it's time!"

"No sir! It's not time yet! It's not complete!"

"To the heck with that! Do you want me to die or not? It's time!" Caroline called the lab boys into Cave's office. They picked up the screaming Cave Johnson and carried him into the chamber. The scientists looked at Cave and opened the door to the Personality Transfer room. As they locked the door, Cave called Caroline in. Cave started to tell her about how much he will miss holding her hands. As the scientists pushed the Transfer button, Cave started screaming again.

"AGH!" he screamed painfully. His vision blurred and soon he couldn't feel his body. His consciousness seemed to be painfully ripped out from his body and stuffed into the robot. Around him was fog that stung him painfully. The weight of the universe poured onto him like loads of sand. Once his consciousness settled in the mind of the body, he felt a relief and soon he felt like before. He started up his body, gears whirring and setting off circuitry. The scientists started nudging each other and pointing to him. Jolts of electricity shot down his body. He opened his one yellow optic. He blinked and started moving around in the giant GLaDOS body. The scientists cheered each other and high-fived Cave Johnson. One sent a lab boy out for a bottle of champagne.

"Oh, this feels good!" called Cave Johnson. He started spinning around and booming out a great deep laugh. He tossed confetti into the large Chamber. Soon, Cave Johnson noticed the pop of a cork and champagne streams flying in the air. The scientists soon started making confetti angels in the sticky champagne covered confetti. Cave Johnson saw his dead corpse, being lifted out of the Transfer room, Caroline following it. Cave had an idea and sent all the scientists out of the room. As Caroline was about to exit, he called her back. Caroline sat cross-legged on the floor, as she always did when he made a big speech in front of the scientists. He lowered down the robot body and met Caroline at eye level.

"Caroline, now would be a good time to tell you something. Caroline, I, uh, since you arrived here, I saw you as a beautiful smart lady with a passion for science. But recently, I saw you as my love. I loved you Caroline. Since your first day on the job I had feelings for you. I always said you were as pretty as a postcard, but now, your beauty is past compare. But, now in my new body, we can't have any plans anymore. But please, do me a favour. When you have a child, name her Chell. It has been in my mind too long, Chell seems perfect for a girl."

"Yes sir mister Johnson!" Caroline smiled. She was dismissed by Cave.

* * *

><p>Cave loomed his body over some computers. He ran some passwords and soon the computer was on. Brilliant! Now he could automatically keep track of all the test subjects. He deleted all the pre-recorded messages, except for his lemon rant. That was genius. He had triumphed over death. He looked at the monitor and an idea hit him. If you couldn't get test subjects, why not make them? He ran a few programs and ordered the men to create a robot body for him. He could see the men running around the facility using whatever they could to build the robots. Cave looked at his own coding and copied and pasted it into the robots' coding. He deleted a few applications such as complete control over the facility and added teamwork intelligence. And he made them use the turret head for advanced motion detection and ranged sight. But who would test the robot body?<p>

"Hey Wheatley Adams, get your butt up here!" he called over the PA system. Cave waited for the employee to appear in the Chamber doors. He opened up a few panels to send him to the Chamber immediately. The panel rose up to Cave Johnson's head. Wheatley was completely on all fours being scared like the wimp he was. Ah Wheatley, moron he was, was Cave Johnson's favourite employee. He was Aperture's guinea pig, and he tested Caroline's prototype handheld portal gun.

"Ah mister Johnson sir? What is it?" Wheatley said getting up from his panel.

"I need you to do me a favour, very small, nothing special. Just something about robots and you."

"Eh, wot? What do you mean?"

"Um, how do I start? Um, I want you to turn into a robot for testing." Awkward silence. Cave could see Wheatley with his mouth open.

"I would love to, but, what about legal limits?"

"Who the hell cares about legal limits! We turned the inside of humans into gasoline! We sent a man to the moon! Without the government knowing! I think that we can bypass the stupid government once more!" Wheatley put on his 'thinking face', as Cave Johnson saw him put it on a couple of times. In the end, Wheatley agreed to turn into an android.

"Remember if you feel any pain during this experiment, just remember that it's for science." Cave Johnson hooked up Wheatley into a glass chamber much smaller than Cave's Transfer room. The glass chamber contained a chair which Wheatley sat on. Cave pumped some sleeping gas and anaesthetics into the chamber. He reminded Wheatley to sleep or else it would cause a lot of pain. After that he saw Wheatley snoring in the chamber. Cave felt sorry for Wheatley. Soon Wheatley would be experiencing pain like he'd never felt and will never feel again. He flipped the switch and Wheatley started screaming. The wires that were connected to Wheatley started twitching. The robot body started turning on and moving around. The arms snapped off the handles and the robot stood up by itself. The optic turned on. It was the same colour as Wheatley's eyes. Bright, icy, blue. The robot looked at it's palm, and rotated it's hand in a circle. It started jumping up and down. Wheatley ran out the door screaming.

"It worked! It bloody worked! In all my life I've never dreamed that I would live forever! Oh I need to tell my mom!"

"So, how does it feel?"

"Amazing! Look, I can run into this wall and come out unharmed!" Wheatley demonstrated his point and rammed the wall.

"Hah! Point officially made!" Cave laughed at Wheatley running around. He knew that once Wheatley went out of the Chamber and into Aperture that testing would be back in action.


	3. Understanding the Mind of the Opposition

CHAPTER THREE-Understanding the Mind of the Opposition-Part One

Black Mesa. Two words Cave hated. Also two words that came up in the news every day. When an employee held up the newspapers to Cave's yellow optic he couldn't find one issue without those words. Caroline would come in and sit down next to the giant body and talk with Cave. Already twice had he tried to call the government, but Caroline had always stopped him. Cave admired her commitment to the Aperture code. But sometimes he wished Caroline would let him call Congress. Aperture had been dwindling on the edge of bankruptcy. A few times clients would come in to order products, and that was the thing that kept Aperture running. Testing would give informative results but those results would only live to see the daylight of one day and then get sent to the Aperture Science Archive Branch for filing. If only the data could be sent to the US government.

"Mister Johnson?" Caroline asked stirring her tea.

"Yea?" Cave asked staring into distant space.

"How do you feel about Doug Rattmann?"

"Well, which side of Rattmann? The schizophrenic idiot or the employee?"

"Well, more of the husband side really." At this Cave jerked and glared at Caroline. Caroline moved away from the gigantic robot glaring at her.

"What! Are you thinking of marrying that idiot who goes off and screams 'Reality is only a story the mind tells itself! An artificial structure conjured into being the calcium ion exchange of a million synaptic firings, a truth so strange it can only be lied into existence!' all day? That idiot? The one who writes in blood on the wall 'THE CAKE IS A LIE' for no apparent reason? You're thinking of marrying him? Oh no! I'm not letting _my_ Caroline marry Doug Rattmann!"

"Well I wasn't so sure about having a relationship with a man who screams about lemons! We're all different! And I need to find someone to have a child with to name Chell! You told me to!"

"Well that someone better not be Rattmann! How about someone else? Like Henry! He's an amazing employee that man! A former General of the Army! Why not him?" Cave shouted at Caroline.

"Why not? Why not?" Caroline screamed back. "That so called General is the most sexist man I've seen in ages! Insults women wherever he goes! You know what? Wheatley could've been another choice till you turned him into a robot!"

"It was for the good of science! With Wheatley we won't be losing test subjects!"

"Oh really? For science or for companionship?" Caroline asked. "You knew once you turned into a robot that the 'you and I' relationship was out of the question so you turned someone else into a robot! I can't believe you made him go through the torture just for 'science'!" Cave felt guilty. In his heart he knew that turning Wheatley into a robot was for companionship. If humans were to die out who would he be with? Wheatley was entertaining to be with and he was a great conversationalist. He knew he had to apologize to Caroline.

"Caroline, you're right; I turned Wheatley into a robot for my own reasons, but try to understand me. I'm a robot, I'll live forever. And you and I both know humans won't last forever. That's why I need Wheatley, to stop me from going insane. Just let me have this, please Caroline." As Cave finished his speech Caroline softened. She put her hand around the GLaDOS body and whispered.

"You're right mister Johnson. I'll just have to find someone else." Caroline smiled. Cave blew confetti on her hair. Caroline giggled and walked out, leaving her tea in the Chamber. Cave noticed it after she left.

"Caroline! Come back! You left behind your," Cave finished in mid-sentence. Caroline couldn't hear him. And it would be embarrassing to call Caroline over the PA for her tea, for both Cave and Caroline. He saw a note stuck to the bottom of the cup. He sent some mechanical arms to separate the cup and note. Cave read the note. It was written in fancy cursive, and the ink was some sort of special blend, not the type that would be used by the public. Cave then noticed the gold border dancing on the sides. He guessed it was a letter that Caroline wanted to give him but forgot to.

He read it and it said, 'If life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Drink some tea instead. Caroline' Cave laughed. Ooh that Caroline loved a good joke. But while laughing, Cave got an idea. What if robots could taste and smell? What if? But how would he manage to pull this off? This soon became the project Cave worked on day and night. And the good thing was that this was something he could sell to the government. He even let Caroline look at the plans and she agreed to it. While Cave worked on his project, Black Mesa kept on unveiling new projects, and the world oohed and aahed. Cave kept getting angrier and angrier. He tried to concentrate on his project but once Black Mesa revealed a portal device, Cave snapped. He screamed for days and it took Caroline for him to calm down. Caroline felt his body and it was scalding hot. She took her hand back and ordered employees to travel down to the Hundred-Mile Underground Ice Reserve to bring back some ice. Once they dumped the ice it all melted and soon evaporated but Cave was cooled off. Then he barked to his employees.

"Okay, we need spies, who can we nominate to send to Black Mesa to find out what they're doing?" They all pointed at Wheatley. Wheatley looked at them and shook his turret head.

"Oh no," he said, "Not me! How could I even pass as an employee? Huh? I'm a bloody robot!" he said. But one of the employees spoke up.

"Mister Johnson sir, we developed something called False Matter. In its malleable form it works a lot like clay. Then we move it into a special room and soon it can feel like anything, sandpaper, plastic and even, human skin." He winked at Wheatley and Cave made sly eyes.

"Oh I see what you did there. I like it! Wheatley! You're up!" As Cave finished, Wheatley whimpered.

"Wot? But, but, how about if they discover me? What if they rip off my skin and crush my personality core?" He soon started blabbing and Cave muted him.

"Relax; the worst that can happen is if they've got Personality Transfer Technology. And even then the worst that'll happen is you'll be put in a potato battery. It only generates half a volt, the minimum for all Aperture technology. It used to be one point one but I changed it just in case. Now just wait for the men to build you a new body, and then you'll go wear it."

"Ooh, may I get a more muscular build? Or at least shinier hair?" Wheatley asked excitedly. The employees got a clipboard and started writing down what Wheatley wanted. Another group sketched the finished product and showed it to Cave.

"I like it, but make it a bit more realistic. Who else do you know is 6'1 and has rippling muscles and glistening hair? Ehm, give him glasses, like the old Wheatley. Makes him look more intelligent than he actually is."

"Hey!" Wheatley cried, "I never got to see it!" The sketch artists drew another picture with cave's recommendations and showed it to Wheatley this time.

"Hmm, nice height, not wimpy, good, I like it!" Now it was Cave's turn to see it. It was anti-Wheatley. Wheatley could never be like this without the miracles of science and False Matter. Good to know that the lab boys do something other than play cards all day in the bowels of Aperture. Down there the lab boys could be doing anything without his knowing. The cameras don't reach down there. After an hour the employees brought back the new skin. Wheatley was to put on the skin much like a jacket.

"So, does it fit?" Cave asked.

"Yup, fits like if it was part of me." Wheatley answered. Cave sent him with the scientists into the False Matter Texture Customizer. Cave waited. How was this supposed to work? Implant a camera into Wheatley's ear to record conversation, a camera in his eye to immediately send useful data to Aperture, and a walkie talkie in the other ear so Wheatley couldn't mess up. Perfect! Why didn't he think of this before? Oh yes, Caroline. She couldn't know about this mission. She would scream at Cave and he would have to call off the entire thing. That would have been embarrassing. Soon Cave saw Wheatley come in. He looked exactly like a human. If Cave had been a Black Mesa employee he would've been fooled. He had to hand it to the lab boys. It was very realistic. Wheatley could definitely pass off as human.

"Looks bloody good eh? I like it. But when are we going to do this entire operation? Today? Next week?"

"Tomorrow actually. We need time to forge you a fake identity. I'll work on it. You do whatever you want. Your day today. Test whatever you want." Wheatley squealed and ran off to the Momentum and Velocity tests, which consisted of tests that required flying through portals. Lots of people preferred those tests, seeing that some of them allowed infinite portal loops, which was equal to indoor skydiving. Cave gave each employee in the room a part in the identity forging. Cave got to write letters of recommendation by a previous handler and Wheatley's resume. Cave made sure not to make Wheatley sound better than he was, and made sure that most of the things in his resume were things Wheatley could do, which wasn't much. But in the end Cave finished and was waiting for the rest of the documents when Caroline came in. Cave was extremely scared. He hoped she didn't see the documents.

"Hey mister Johnson. Read my note?"

"Yeah, very funny. Too bad I couldn't drink it."

"Weren't you trying to invent a way to make that possible? How's it going?" Oh no! Cave had nearly forgotten about that! He sent some mechanical arms to work on it while he talked with Caroline.

"Oh yeah, making great progress. Do you want to see it?" He was taking a risk here. He prayed that the mechanical arms were almost finished with coding the organic matter to digital binary programming. He looked through a camera watching the arms, he downloaded the coding and read through it. No matter if he was a supergiant supercomputer, he couldn't do two things at once. Reading caused him to stumble in conversation with Caroline. Once or twice she accused him of having Alzheimer's disease. Once he heard those words he sat up and put away the programming.

"Of course not Caroline! Who've heard of computers having diseases?"

"I have! Black Mesa has heard about your transformation and is trying to hack into your motherboard! They are trying to create a program that will disable your sentience and steal it! Who knows? They might have created an Alzheimer's for computers!"

"I don't think so. Um, here's the coding." While trying to think of a plan he accidentally took the wrong file and handed it to Caroline. Caroline looked at it and played it on a computer. As she read she was confused.

"Mister Johnson, I think this is a recipe for cake. And not a very good one either. Fish shaped solid waste, fish shaped dirt? Is this a joke?" Cave read the programming and laughed.

"Oh sorry, Caroline. That's the wrong file." He got the right file this time and prayed it was nearly finished. Caroline installed it into a computer and read it.

"Let me see. If input is true, output is true. If input contains sucrose, output will be sweet. If input contains more than ten grams of sucrose the output will cause the system to speed up. Well, good luck on your project." She walked away. Cave sighed in relief. She nearly found out. That would've been bad.


End file.
